on the verge of extinction... again

Yet... it is enjoyable at times. I would have turned back real soon if I didn't truly enjoy it. Now it's much too late. The dirtiest thing about this is that, once you've cheated your way into getting something, you'll have to cover your tracks, weave an ever more complicated web of lies... every day... for the rest your life. Unless... you're willing to face the consequences, lose it all and even more.

And I don't want to lose it all. Ten years down this road and I don't intend to turn back. I know now. I've known for almost two years. I'd rather risk my life than face the consequences. I was afraid, I didn't want to die, but I just told myself that whatever becomes, it becomes. And I was not going to tell anybody.

In spite of the fact that it's all not really working for me that well anymore. Old tricks aren't working so well anymore. I always have to find new ones, more and more extreme, more and more dangerous. And sometimes it strikes back. But if I give it up, all Hell will break loose.

It's the only thing that makes me really happy at times, despite making me miserable on other occasions. And despite being what's probably going to take my life.

Fallen Angel. I've been thinking about this while I was having a shower. And this was the song that started just after I came back into my room. How ironic... win big, lose big, wants it all, lose it all - now doesn't that sound familiar?