on the verge of extinction... again

I'm sorry. Because I forget. I mean... logically, I know. But I just forget about it. I'm that ego-centric. I forget that, although I don't hide it at all, people don't really know. Because it contradicts everything else they know about the world, so they don't take it seriously. They don't take me seriously. They don't realize it's that extreme. They think it's funny/ cute. You thought that it was cute. But I bet that you don't believe it's for real. I bet nobody else does.

Well, it is. We were together in bed and I was texting a kid about a cartoon. I really am that childish. Never mind the skimpy skirts, the tempting hosiery, underwear, never mind that sometimes I act so dirty... that's all it is, an act. Every little girl pretends to be a woman, every once in a while. Just because, biologically, I have an age that makes you believe it's for real, doesn't mean that it truly is. It's just make believe. I never intended not to go back to being me, the real me, the immature me after playing my part. And your way of making future plans for us really freaked me out.

I still fantasize about having a real tiger as a pet. Who cares that a fully grown one wouldn't have enough space to turn in my bathroom or even kitchen or hallway... I still watch cartoons and, even more, I imagine I live them. Doing that still feels like escaping into a safe place. I still hug my cuddling toys at night or whenever I feel insecure. Yes, I feel insecure when I talk to you. I was hugging my biiig Teddy that last time I talked to you. Talking to any adult still feels like answering questions in front of a teacher at school. I still go by the "don't talk to strangers" rule (yes, I did think about that). If somebody gets too close to me on the street, I start moving the other way. I still day-dream (Muttley style) a lot. I still get nervous every time we see each other. It's not the being inlove kind of nervous and it's not me being afraid of you, I actually like being in your arms. It's the good kid being nervous about the possibility of letting down and adult who was petting her.

Petting. That's why I got to like you, you know? Oh, well, your manners in general. Also, your looks had something to do with it as well. The little girl in me wanted to play a woman's part and you got cast to play her prince charming. A bit shorter than the fairytale says, but hey, I'm not tall either. And older, but that somehow makes you more fascinating. You're still a handsome man.

I wonder... If I told all this to you, how would you react? Would you move away? Would my craziness scare you? Would you choose to ignore it? Use and abuse me because, hey, let's admit it, I was basically doing the same thing. We both played dirty. I know. I have tried to tell you and you must have thought it was a trap. That I wanted to set you up. I know it's like being in the lion's den for you. And I do believe it would truly be unfair if someone did set you up, because I know you've worked hard to get where you are and you're damn good at what you do. Yet... I sometimes wonder. I would have never kept quiet if someone tried to force my hand, you know? So why did you? Why didn't you kick him out? Wipe that grin off his face, be the first one one who refuses him?

[Image taken from dryicons.com.]