on the verge of extinction... again

... did I get so carried away? So little used to make me so happy, but a year ago I just got a lot more and then I wanted more and more and more. And now I'm getting more than I was getting at the end of 2008 and it's still not enough.

... did I get so scared to make mistakes? or maybe I'm asking the wrong question here. Twelve years ago I was also scared, but everything else went on. Now the fear, the anxiety have become paralyzing. They can prevent me from doing anything at all.

... did I get so conceited? I had an idea, put into practice and didn't like it and then changed everything radically. And then somebody else started using my original idea and I felt robbed. But maybe it was just a coincidence, you know? Screw that. Coincidence my ass. It happened again... and, again, it was less than two days after I couldn't keep my big mouth shut and I had to brag about it. OK, so it's my fault as well. Still, I don't appreciate people using my source code without even telling me about it... even if it's an idea I didn't like anymore.

... did I get so rigid? I mean this. I could have said I was sick, I could have had a second chance, but I just didn't want people to know. I was too ashamed. Being sick that morning was my own stupid fault. And I don't ask for second chances. Even though I'm human and knowing I did a damn good presentation all by myself, knowing that I was damn well prepared, knowing that the others in the team will take the credit for what I did all by myself, knowing all these really tears me up inside.