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lipsita de motivatie, fraiera, speriata

Inca ma gandesc la perioada aia, desi o simt atat de departe acum - au trecut trei ani si jumatate... Atunci simteam ca am pentru ce sa lupt, acum nu cred ca m-ar mai interesa ce imi doream atunci, prea multi oameni mi-au dovedit ca sunt... doar oameni si ca n-ar fi trebuit sa-i urc niciodata pe un piedestal. Nu ca eu mi-as dovedit mie altceva in afara de faptul ca uneori port ochelari de cal si ca sunt groaznic de egoista din moment ce ma ingrijesc de frustrari din 1996 si nu imi pasa de cum se vad lucrurile prin ochii altora...

Atunci eram fericita, acum sunt doar satisfacuta... din anumite puncte de vedere. Sunt satisfacuta ca am facut progrese in anumite directii. Am invatat destule chestii de la inceputul anului pana acum. Ceea ce este un lucru bun... in ciuda sentimentului ala de nu-mi vine sa cred cat de toanta am putut fi!. Daca vreti un exemplu clar la capitolul asta, apasati in acelasi timp tastele Ctrl si + in Chrome sau Safari.

M-am mintit singura inadmisibil de mult in ultimii ani. Ueori sunt inca tentata sa o fac. Insa tin enorm la amintirile momentelor frumoase. Si am avut o multime de astfel de momente in 2009. Atunci cand Motorhead au ajuns la noi pentru prima data. Faptul ca am avut norocul sa-i vad din nou in vara asta mi-a amintit de unele din ele. Si am fost furioasa ca indraznesc sa ma mint ca lucrurile nu stau mai prost decat atunci, ca imi este atat de usor sa ignor faptul ca de fapt compar mere cu pere... Dar am mai corectat putin asta in ultima vreme.

Fraiera. Pentru ca am plans pana n-am mai putut sa respir atunci cand unele lucruri s-au dus dracului. Din pacate, asta nu s-a intamplat niciodata fara contributia mea. Sau, mai bine zis, lipsa mea de contributie a contribuit la faptul ca s-au dus dracului. Pentru ca atunci cand eu nu prea mai aveam ce sa fac, mi-a fost frica, rusine sa cer ajutor. Ajutor pe care ma temeam ca il voi primi cu o multime de reprosuri. Pe care m-am temut ca nu-l merit si ca nu-l voi primi.

Daca e sa fiu realista, nici nu l-am primit atunci cand n-am mai putut sa rezist fara sa-l cer. Am primit mai multa atentie decat imi doream, sfaturi pe care nu mi le doream si de care nu aveam nevoie - ia si tu ceva pentru durere, mama nu rezolva practic problema, mai ales ca nu durerea e insuportabila, ci ideea ca au trecut patru luni in care a fost zi de zi cu mine si ca probabil asta semnalizeaza o problema serioasa. Si da, a trecut atata timp pentru ca mi-a fost rusine sa le spun alor mei ca am nevoie de bani, in conditiile in care oricum sunt un parazit.

Si sunt un parazit pentru ca incerc sa imi gasesc de lucru exact asa cum incerc sa cer ajutor. Adica mai degraba nu. Pentru ca in ambele cazuri sunt ingrozita ca o sa mi se dea peste bot si o sa mi se spuna ca nu merit.

6 pareri la lipsita de motivatie, fraiera, speriata

  • cine: adrian costel delete comment icon
    cand:
    You should just try and drop self pity. Really... It's hard like shit, and it feels like something it's missing (maybe the pleasure of self-pit?), but just try...Whatever works (books, yoga, nlp) and no matter if you regress...you'll just try again. Also, too much self analysis is bad for ya. I am dealing with this shit since years and my complete abandonment to to self pity wasn't a pretty site at all.
    One thing I like to think to when I want to do something an automatically thing about how others did it already better than me is this:
    "Whatever I am able to do now is the best I can do now. No point in delaying doing that thing until I am a freaking master in than domain. JUST DO IT NOW and let the things unfold. Ooo, and most importantly..
    Feel the pleasure in what you are doing NOW...don't put your pleasure in goals, achievements and stuff.

    Sorry for the psycho babble, I don't know if it came out as intended.:D
  • cine: brontozaurel delete comment icon
    cand:
    I doubt you meant "pretty site". Perhaps it should have been "pretty sight".

    I'm not a fan of trying again. I'm the "one chance and if it doesn't work, it's over for good!" kind of person. Which makes any failure permanent. And if the best I can do now is not the best it could ever be, then there is no point in trying now.
  • cine: adrian costel delete comment icon
    cand:
    Hey you nazi grammar:D, I was in a hurry!
    "And if the best I can do now is not the best it could ever be, then there is no point in trying now."
    Hey, if our ancestors were thinking like that we'd still be in trees, because our little carved tools weren't good enough.
    The most important thing it's to realize what the heck you want. Then you gotta stop being so damn theoretical and get practical.
    From what you are saying I deduce that one of the things you want badly is the recognition of other (superior) people. If that's true, then go ahead and do stuff that other people appreciate. Don't go big. Don't be the next Kernigan or Linus. Do something small. I don't know. Create a useful little library. Create a little game. Help people on programming forums. Stuff like that. See how it feels.
    And if that's not what you want than think and figure out what is that you want. Remember times when you were happy (I suppose you were happy sometimes, yes?). Why were you happy? What were the conditions then? Who were teh people you were meeting? What were you doing? You're a programmer ffs, so this analytical process shouldn't be a big problem. Try and replicate those conditions. See how it feels.
    Find a goal worth working for. Work for it.
    You know what helped me figure out goals and what the heck I want to do?
    Death. Prolonged hunger. Fear of death. Those things do miracles in establishing your priorities. When you haven't eaten nothing but grapes and nuts for 2-3 weeks (I live in the country) but didn't go to your parents to ask for money or food because you had your pride (and your mental issues) and just want it to get don with it one way or another and you feel you heart beating funny and your stomach growling and you feel that you're in a very bad situation, something inside you stirs, little gold nuggets emerge from the dirt, some mechanisms activate - I don't know, I am not a damn psychologist.
    One thing is certain though (i wrote dough first :D).
    Taking no action is the worst possible action (almost) always.
  • cine: adrian costel delete comment icon
    cand:
    Oooo, and this is one of my favorite songs. Kinda relates with my previous comment.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5NAPZp2w-o
  • cine: adrian costel delete comment icon
    cand:
    Oooo, and this is to cheer you a bit. From the Life of Brian (Monty Python).
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoaktW-Lu38
  • cine: brontozaurel delete comment icon
    cand:
    "nazi grammar" isn't the same as "grammar Nazi" and that's not the kind of mistake you make when you're in a hurry. Those are missing letters, inverting letters, missing spaces... stuff like that.

    I'm not going to waste time on analyzing the other mistakes in your text, but I just want to say this: breaking it into paragraphs does wonders for readability.

    I know damn well what I want and I know damn well when I was happy. And it had nothing to do with the people. The people were just there to use and abuse. Always different people.

    I know how it is not to eat anything at all for two weeks. It wasn't bad at all. It was actually pretty relaxing. Like everything was happening in slow motion, only time was going faster.

    I was calmer. I was sleeping more. I was happy. Happy to laze off, happy to wake up, happy to take long showers. I was getting things done right though at an incredibly slow pace. I was wasting time a lot playing childish games with pens and everything else around me.

    I never felt my stomach growling, I never felt any kind of stomach pain and it was easy to forget eating (eating again after all those days was horribly painful though - the softest things felt like claws scratching my throat and I felt like I was going to puke after only a few bites).
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Mai jos se pot scrie tampenii. Nu mai mari ca alea de mai sus...
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