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the last time

Quireboys. Incerc sa-mi aduc aminte cand i-am descoperit. Exact nu mai tin minte. Era pe la sfarsitul lui 2004- inceputul lui 2005 cand tot mergeam pe la colegi cu net sa-mi caut muzici. Si documentare despre muzici. Pentru ca asa am aflat de ei - din documentarul Hard 'N' Heavy (sa ma ia dracu', acum nu-l mai gasesc pe net, tin insa minte foarte clar momentele cu Motorhead, Alice Cooper - "my first album, sold fourteen copies; my mother got twelve of them; second album, sold eighteen copies... Zesty's mint flavoured fake stage blood", Quireboys - vocea lui Spike, Whitesnake - discutand despre noul Fool for Your Loving cu Steve Vai, Winger, Alice in Chains - Layne cu aripa rupta). Atunci m-a impresionat vocea lui Spike. Si asta m-a facut sa incep sa vanez orice tinea de ei. Cumva, azi mi-a venit in minte piesa asta.

It's the last time. The last time I do something for my parents. And I'm scared. And I'm not sure I can do it. Chances are I won't be able to. I'm like the fox without the bag of elaborate tricks. And, if I get caught, I lose a lot. I lose a lot of people's trust and support. If I don't do it... I don't even want to think about the reproaches, about what they might do. What's worse, if I try and fail, it's just the same... plus the nervewreck. If I try, get caught and thus fail, I lose everything. This one time I'm without my big bag of tricks that might preclude getting caught. I'll either get caught or get cold feet and give up. I'm on the verge of losing everything... I somehow actually want it to happen. I want to blow it all, to lose it all. To start everything over. Though I know I'm not able to. This is the end.

6 pareri la the last time

  • cine: morbo delete comment icon
    cand:
    really makes one wonder what could be the thing that would get you caught between your parents and that other lot of people. it's like you're planning a heist or something :) and that's me being quite insensitive to your unnamed problems. but to make up for it, i wish you more care-free times. those are the good times.
  • cine: brontozaurel delete comment icon
    cand:
    care-free times are gone... and I don't care... guess that's the scariest thing... I don't truly care about anything anymore...
  • cine: morbo delete comment icon
    cand:
    i'd say you live those care-free times then, if you don't care :) but that is just cheap logic.
    maybe if you don't forget to love your madness (i liked that), you won't be in that deep and things won't turn out bad.
    but enough. i'm sick of pretending to know anything(when i finally realize what i'm doing or am able to stop). and bragging about my english, even though just to have a little practice is part of why i'm doing this. and maybe it isn't such good english anyhow :)
  • cine: brontozaurel delete comment icon
    cand:
    Realistically, it's not care-free. In my mind, I don't care. But I am aware of the consequences of not caring... and that hurts.

    I don't care about doing the things I should be doing. So I'm not doing those things. But this has consequences (financial, emotional, professional). Which are really bad for me. And it really kills me that I'm sinking this way. But I still don't care about doing anything to fix things. I still tell myself that same old lie, that I'm free to do anything I want. I'm still doing only what I want to do, but this means that I have no job, no income, no perspectives, that a lot of people hate me now. And I've also lost the very thing I was fighting for.
  • cine: morbo delete comment icon
    cand:
    then at some point you ''have to'' do those things.just to feel less bad. maybe you can compensate the fact that you don't care about doing those things with that improvement. and, if it's at least somewhat realistic, tell yourself it's something you are just temporarily doing. that's a lie (so far:)) that got me through.
  • cine: brontozaurel delete comment icon
    cand:
    In my case, it really would be temporary. But I just can't get my shit together to do anything. And I've been like this for six years already so right now it's kind of a do or die situation. The only problem is... I'd rather die without even trying.
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